I’ve heard many times that you don’t find books, books find you.  I am beginning to believe that is true.  It seems the past few books I’ve read have been about sisters: Between Sisters, The Good Sister, and Miss You Most of All.  In each of these books, the main characters are sisters at odds with each other.  However, in good novel fashion, the ending includes the  sisters finding peace with one another and becoming closer.

Reading these books made me reflect on my own relationship with my sisters.  I am the oldest and have 1 sister from my dad’s first marriage.  My parent’s divorced when I was 6 years old and 2 years later my dad remarried.  My step-mother has 1 daughter from a previous relationship, who is younger than my sister.  Together, they had 1 son and 1 daughter.  Later, my father divorced and remarried his 3rd wife….they say third time is a charm, so we shall see…His wife has 1 daughter from a previous relationship, who is younger than my little sister (from the 2nd marriage), and together they have 1 son.  Whew….did you get it all???

My siblings, sans my younger sister, who was estranged from my father during that time.

Because my sister and I came from a broken home, we learned to be one another’s support system. That changed when I was 14 years old and moved in with my father and step-mother.  Growing up with other siblings, allowed me to get closer to them and build a relationship with them I may not have otherwise had.  However, my younger sister (the one that is 4 years younger than me), had a difficult time being on the outside as she never came around to our dad’s house growing up. It wasn’t until she was an adult that she reconnected with our father and siblings.

My sister and dad, reconnected

Me and one of my younger sisters

My sister and oldest son

As adults, we all were pretty close with the exception of my youngest sister.  For some reason, she became estranged from our dad and me for about 5 years.  She has recently re-entered our dad’s life, and we will talk when we see each other, however it isn’t the way it was.  During this time, she became close with our sister (the 2nd oldest one in our sibling group).

My sister and I

My sister and I had always been rather close, however it came with precautions.  Because she felt that I had abandoned her when I left home, I was always striving to make up for that.  Realizing that I was also a child simply didn’t enter my mind during that time.

With all of my siblings, I was the one who would attend birthdays, weddings, and other celebrations.  I wanted to be apart of everyone’s life and wanted our children to be close.  Always making excuses as to why they never attended my children’s events, I learned to just accept that as “well, they’re busy”.  However, it always hurt me and I felt my children were getting the raw end of the deal.  No matter what I told my siblings, it never changed.

  Our niece with us at Universal Studios in Florida

The most difficult part of being cut off from my sisters, is not being able to spend time with my nieces and nephews.  We love my niece (pictured above) and took care of her a lot in summers and she would go on vacations with us, too.  My sons grew very close to her.

My children visiting their aunt in Austin

While my sister loves my sons, she didn’t visit them much.  She would stay with us when she came down to Houston, but her visits were mainly to visit family and friends.  Unfortunately, it was only if we invited her to go somewhere, would she spend time with them.  I think I made excuses for her because she wasn’t married, nor had children, so I figured being around children wasn’t something she deemed as “fun”.

My sister and I got very close when she was going through a difficult time with her boyfriend and we had a failed adoption.  However, once we adopted my daughter, it all changed.  She became distant, didn’t want to spend time with us when she was in town, and made a comment about feeling that she and I had nothing in common now that I was happy about our family being complete.  I realized she was lonely and misery does loves company, however I just never thought she would react to my daughter the way she did.

What I allowed and let go with my sons, I made up for with my daughter.  I became the momma bear that is overprotective.  I surrounded myself with those who were accepting of my daughter and distanced myself from those who didnt’.  That included my sister.  It was then that I knew, yes, bonds can be broken and family or origin doesn’t get an automatic pass to being and saying what you want to my family.

As holidays approach, it is not without anxiety and sadness.  I truly wish my family was more cohesive, but it’s not.  Because my sisters and I aren’t close, it saddens me to know that they have made plans for Father’s Day without me.  My father wants us to go, and at first I was, but I realized this is their planning and I need to step back and only decide to go if they invite me, too.  I don’t know why sibling relationships can be so difficult.  Sometimes it simply confuses me that my siblings can be at odds with our father and not talk to me either when that happens, but when they get over their fit and embrace my father again, I am still out of the loop.  What does that mean?  I don’t know.  In times past, I would suck it up and go, over give to make up for lost time, and pretend nothing had happened.  Now, I realize that what I do control is me.  I can choose to accept this and not let it overtake my life.  I can also choose to not go where I am not invited and be okay with that…that happens.  And, I can strive at making my own family different because our values are different.  In our home, it is not okay to cut-off people. It is okay to talk our issues out and be upset.  It is okay to have differing opinions.  We are family.  My family is different.  I am different.  And, that is okay.

My family

My children & I

We can’t pick our family or origin, but we can choose our family of choice.

Life long friends=family of choice!